She's gone
by Scetchbook123
Summary: Flashbacks of Nepeta's death haunt Karkat. The memories, the paranoia that he could have saved her. Her last words. When his so called "friends" push him to the edge he just might burst.


"No... No.. Keep breathing. Please keep breathing Nep." I mumble as I hold her in my arms, hugging her tight. "Karkat?... W-What's happening? Its cold in here." She asks. I can't hold back the tears. "Yeah. It did get cold didn't it? Don't worry though. We just fell outside remember?" I lie.

Her green blood has soaked into my shirt already.

"Oh. What's happening to the light out here? It's getting darker." She asks.

"It uh. Its getting deeper into the night I guess.. Nep?" I reply, sniffling in between almost every word. "Yeah Karkitty?" She asks. I take a deep breath.

"You said you liked to sing. Can you sing for me? Something nice, to get our minds off of this." I ask. "Sure... Hands touch. Eyes meet. Sudden silence, sudden heat. Hearts leap in a gitty wurl. H-He could be the boy... But, I'm not, the girl." She begins to cry. "Nepeta did you write that? I've never heard it." I ask. She gently nods. "Its about me isn't it?" I ask. She closes her eyes tightly and nods. "I'm sorry." She whispers. "No Nep, you don't have to be. Your.. You are... Nep?" My eyes widen and I hold my breath. "Nepeta?! Nep! Come on wake up! Please wake up!" I begin to sob, holding her tight against me and rocking back in forth. "Wake up!" I scream. I start breathing heavy and looking around. Another nightmare. Stupid fucking flash backs happen weather I'm in my pod or not. They last longer outside of it though. I wipe the tears from my face and lay awake for the rest of the day like normal. When night finally comes I have only had half the sleep I used to get. But now that's normal. It has been weeks since Nepeta was killed. I barely remember what happened.

Just that she died in my arms before I could say what I wanted to say. I hope she knew where I was going with it though. She was smart. She probably knew, she also knew she was dying. But she was such a nice person that I doubt she would make me say it. I knew she liked me for a while before that, but I never got to tell her I felt the same. I didn't know I needed to until she was in my arms for the last time. I didn't know how much I would miss her either. I've been hearing things having nightmares, clouded thoughts. I feel like I can't focus on anything anymore. It isn't good. I guess you could call me depressed, everyone else does. That's what they think it is, I'm just depressed because I loved her, because I didn't know I loved her until she was gone. Which is true. I didn't know how I felt until I saw her laying there. But I tried to tell her. Vriska never stood giving me shit about it, I feel like I should just scream at her or something. But that never worked before. So unless I start sobbing grossly I doubt it would make a difference. But I'm so close to that I wouldn't be surprised. Terezi does light teasing because she is Terezi, but she is sympathetic most of the time. Her and Tavros are, Feferi to. Sollux tries not to mention it when I'm around. I think I like that better then when people try to make me feel better. I only talked go Equius once since it happened and that was to explain why her blood was all over me. Kanaya is nice about it at first, kind of like she ignores it I guess. Doesn't pretend it didn't happen, doesn't avoid the topic but doesn't bring it up either. If it does come up she will be on my side, but after a while of it she will snap. Once at me, but a few times at the others. Eridan is an ass hole like always so I won't even bother talking about him.  
I get up and walk down to the computer lab. I ignore everyone in the room like always and sit down. I don't like talking to people outside of Trollian. I can't focus on conversations and my voice is distant so it concerns them.  
TA: hey Kk.  
CG: HI SOLLUX.  
TA: you doiing ok today?  
CG: YEAH. SAME AS ALWAYS.  
TA: ok. Ju2t makiing 2ure. And II wanted two warn you. They are about two open a memo two talk two you about everythiing.  
CG: FUCKERS. IM FINE. THANKS FOR THE WARNING THOUGH I GUESS.  
TA: no problem.  
CG: OH, THERE'S THE MEMO INVITE.  
TA: good luck kk.  
CG: ... THANKS.

has entered memo

CG: THE FUCK DO YOU WANT?  
GU: To Talk To You.  
CG: YEAH YEAH. SOLLUX SAID YOU WERE HAVING AN INTERVENTION ABOUT ME.  
GU: It Is Not An Intervention Karkat.  
GU: We Are Just Worried About You.  
GC: K4RK4T YOU 4R3 WORRY1NG US 4LL.  
CG: FUCK YOU! IM FINE! THERE IS NOTHING FUCKING WRONG WITH ME SO BACK THE FUCK OFF!  
GAM: CoMe On BrO. We OnLy WaNt To HeLp  
CG: I DONT NEED ANY HELP YOU GRUB FUCKING NOOK SNIFFERS! WHY DONT YOU ALL CRAWL BACK DOWN THE STEAMING WASTE PIT YOU DRAGGED YOUR BULL SHIT FILLED ROTTING CARCASSES OUT OF?!  
GC: K4RKl3s YOUR B31NG STUBBORN  
CG: DO I SOUND LIKE I GIVE ONE FLYING FUCK ABOUT THAT?  
AG: karkat stop 8eing a whiny 8a8y and accept that you have a problem. We all know you loved Nepeta 8ut it is time to get off your sorry ass and move on! Even I'm getting worried.  
CG: LIKE YOU GIVE A SHIT ABOUT HOW I FEEL VRISKA.  
AG: your 8eing a selfish ass. Think about how we feel. How do we know your gonna do something dangerous to make yourself feel 8etter for not saving her? How do we know you won't kill yourself?  
CG: SHUT UP. IM NOT A RETARD.  
AG: then stop acting like one! We have all loved someone 8efore  
CG: SHUT UP.  
AG: if you keep acting like a little whiny wriggler then she will have died for nothing!  
CG: I SAID SHUT UP.  
AG: she loved you! Make her death worth it! she died to save you after all, make her proud of her decision!

I stand up out of my chair, making it slide across the room as I slam my hand on the table.

"I SAID SHUT UP!" I scream. They are all in the room of coarse, and now they are staring at me. I leave the desk and stand in the middle of the room. "You can't say shit about that! You didn't watch her die! Didn't feel her blood on your hands!" I yell. "You don't fucking get it you bitch!" I continue. "I have seen plenty deaths, it's not a big fucking deal like you think it is." She snaps and stands up. "Whatever! You were the one doing the killing! You don't know what it was like and you never will! To know she did it to save you.. that you could have stopped it... you didn't hear her last words. The saddest thing in the world is what she decided to say. The most perfect sound in the world came out of her. And it was saying that she was heart broken..." I stare at the ground, feeling a lump grow in my throat. My face is getting red, and that's not a good thing, I keep my head down so they won't see my weakness and bright color. "It should have been me... she could have lived. But I was meant to die from hatching and she changed that. Why would someone change that?!" I Riging ranting to myself. "The fuck are you talking about? You had the easiest life of all! You just sat in your hive all day, you didn't have to deal with people or relationships." She snaps. Ok now I'm at boiling point. "Easy life?! Easy life?! I would have been culled if I took a step outside!" I scream. She takes a few angry steps closer. "You are so stupid! Enough about your secret blood! There are 12 colors on the hemospectrum. Just 12! What could be special about you?! What, do you not want to be the same rank as one of us?" She shouts. I almost take a step but don't. Instead, I lift my head and hold my hand up to my mouth. "Yeah, there are only 12 there." I say, then bite the side of my hand as hard as I can with my sharp teeth. I march over to her with my hand in a fist for the moment, to draw the blood faster. I stop only a few feet away from her and shove my hand in her face. "IM NOT EVEN FUCKING ON IT." I scream. Everyone's faces freeze in shock. No one moves. And no one speaks. I bring my hand back and it hits me. I just showed them my secret. Most of them care about blood rank. They might even fucking kill me. Great. Gog I'm so stupid! Everything I do ends up as a mistake! I clench my fists again and walk out as fast as I can, giving her one last glare. After I slam the door behind me I sprint to my room. What was I thinking?! That was a huge mistake! I start pacing.  
They were probably gonna find out some way or another. No, they had dropped the subject. If it wasn't for that outburst they might have never known. I might as well be fucking dead. Then again I said it myself, I was meant to die from the start. Heh, Vriska actually made a good point somewhere with her bitchy ways. If the afterlife is like everyone makes it out to be, if I die I can be with her...  
I look her at my sickles on the desk.  
But would she hate me? She died so I could live. And if I love her I should live. To make her happy. But what did she want me to live for in the first place? There isn't anything for me to do that could possibly be so important she would die over it. Did she really just want me to be alive? Plain and simple? She was a very nice person. And she kept her feelings hidden the best she could for a long time while other things happened with me and other people. I guess she always wanted me to be happy... That's what it looks like anyway. But how can I be happy without her? What am I even support to do? I bang my head on the wall and stay there so I can think.  
Wait. There are footsteps out there. They are coming for me. I don't want them to kill me. If I'm dying it will not be death from my own friends. If you can call them that. I don't want to answer questions either. I look around the room for some way out of this. They start knocking on the door, I go to the other side of the room and try to pry open the window. "Karkat let us in." Kanaya says. The window flies open and slams the top of the windowsill. "What was that? Karkles open up!" Terezi shouts with panic in her voice. "Fuck off! I'm not letting any of you hurt me!" I yell. "No one wantth to hurt you Kk!" Sollux yells. I stick a leg out the window when a sharp pain hits the back of my head as it barley touches the window. "GAH...!" I fall back, my head slamming against the floor and my leg still being stuck outside. "Karkat!" Several people yell. I hold the back of my head and turn onto my side. What the FUCK was that?! The pain is already gone but what happened in the first place? My eyes widen and fear strikes my core. A memory flows through. I forgot what happened entirely didn't I? Well I sure remember now, the flashback takes over...  
I'm standing with my sickle in hand, I can't tell what the thing is. But it's attacking. I leap at it and swing, it counters my smacking the back of my head with it's odd weapon. I roll across the floor and see it turning to me when I stop. Its going to finish the job. "No!" Nepeta's sweet voice screams as she runs over. She stops in front of me as it swings. She flies across the room and leaves a small green trail on the floor. Shit shit shit. I stand up, almost blinded by rage and leap onto its back while it is looking at her. I slit its throat and it falls to the floor. I step off and take a deep breath. Then remember Nepeta. I race to her and drop to my knees. There is a dent in her side, clearly a bunch of broken bones, and in the center of it there is a large bleeding cut. I wrap my arms around her shoulders and pull her into my lap.  
That's where the flash back ends. Its where the dreams always begin... I look around the room to see a bright flash of red and blue. Sollux storms in the room after blowing down my door and kneels beside me. "Kk! What the fuck happened?!" He asks. I snap back to reality and sit up.

"Get away from me!" I scream and kick at the ground to push myself away from him. "Kk I'm not gonna hurt you!" He yells. "What about them?! The people who take pride in their blood color! Equius is going to kill me! Literally kill me! I'm not dying now!" I reply. Kanaya, Terezi, and Vriska all come in and stare at me from the door way. "She died so I could live and I won't let you destroy that!" I scream and stand up. "Karkat stop being such a scared little wriggler!" Vriska yells.

"Stop it!" I scream and pick up my sickle. I throw it at her, it barley misses her head but cuts her shoulder. "FUCK Karkat!" She screams and holds the cut with her other hand.

They all stare at me and the pain strikes me again. I grab the sides of my head and drop to my knees.

"GAH!... Fucking.." I scream. "Kk!" Sollux shouts and hold me up by my shoulders.

"Get off me! I'm fine!" I scream. "No your not! Wake up and look around you! Your going crazy!" He yells. "No I'm not!" I reply and start breathing heavily. It's happening again.

There is a weird high pitched waving sound ringing around the room. I look around the room, trying to find the sorce of the sound. Then I my eyes lock on the people in the door way staring at me.

"STOP STARING AT ME!" I scream at the top of my lungs, forcing the sound to get louder.

I cover my ears and double over. "Karkat!" They all yell. My eyes are practically bulging out of my head and are blood shot. I can actually feel it. "Make it stop!" I scream. Sollux still has his hands on my shoulders and is now shaking me. "Kk! Kk calm down!" He yells. "Shut up! Shut the fuck up! Your making it worse!" I yell. He lets go on me but doesn't move beyond that.

The sound softens enough I can move again and I stand up. I slowly walk to my desk, feeling as if I have a limp. I grab the second sickle and turn to look at them all.

"Leave. Me. ALONE!" I scream. They flinch, Sollux puts a hand on my shoulder.

I flinch at the contact and jerk my hand at him. The blade cuts his cheek and he falls to the floor, catching himself on his hands and knees. Fuck fuck fuck! "Karkat!" Kanaya yells and runs into the room, when she gets close to me I cross my arms to make an X and cover my face.

I don't even know how but I instinctivly react violently by kicking her in the stomach, sending her back and to the floor. "I... I'm sorry.. But I can't take this anymore!" I scream, pain rings through my voice as the sound grows even louder then before. I take a few painful deep breaths and straighten up. "No one will hurt for me anymore.. Tell Eq I'm sorry about her." I say as calmly as I can and raise the blade to my throat. I swift move of my arm cuts my throat and I fall to the floor.

I look at the puddle of my blood forming and close my eyes. I picture her. Her laugh. Her smile.

Her angelic voice. The shipping wall she loved. The OTP painting I found while she wasn't there.

Her face lighting up when ships or role playing was mentioned.

I love her. I love her... I love her...


End file.
